Not an Angel
by Little Pearl
Summary: It’s been 10 years since Shinichi left. It was enough time for Ran to find a dark side of her personality, that seems like a madness. Is it possible to love two people at the same time…?


A/N: This is really OOC for Ran. But still, I was in the mood for angst and the song: "Le bien qui fait mal" from Mozart l'opera Rock was an inspiration for this. Check up the song on youtube and the translation of the lyrics if you don't know French. It's a really great song.

So it's a Shinichi-Ran-Conan triangle that I focused on. Told from Ran's POV. It's about 10 years after the actual storyline (so Ran would be around 27, Shinichi 27, but as Conan he would be 17). Thought I'll point it out just in case.

Hopefully you'll enjoy it!

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Sometimes I hate you so much… Sometimes it makes me want to just scream, sometimes it pushes me to do something stupid. Sometimes I cannot stop myself. But even if I'm about to do something stupid, you're never there to stop me. It's always me, reflecting on it before it'll be too late… It's always me that says 'stop'. Never you. Because you're not around.

I love you. I'm afraid it's something that will never change and I hate that as well. I've waited so many years for you and you never came back. I know I will be waiting another years as well. Always waiting. But never ever believing that you will come back. I lost my hope so long ago, I cant even remember when it was.

So you call me. Saying 'sorry'. I wonder if it's my imagination that the apology seems more painful with each time. To the point that I don't want to pick up the phone. To the point that one cell was already destroyed. Because I had enough of the pain that one time you called. Because I didn't want to hear your voice. Because I was afraid what I would say. Because I hate that 'I'm sorry, Ran' phrase. Because the damn cases are more important than me.

It used to be a sweet poison for my heart. I was intoxicated and held hope in those promises you made. It was a bittersweet feeling to trust you to that extent. Every tear was worth it, because I believed that you weren't lying. Oh, how stupid a girl in love could be… But it's slowly changing.

He's just like your replica. Sometimes I catch myself looking at him, thinking how would it be to start everything again. Press the reset, restart my life and learn to love once again. Learn to trust and believe in others words. In his words. Depend on him. I know I can. I also know he loves me. He can't hide his gazes, he can't help the longing in his eyes. But he always keeps his distance. Like there is an invisible wall that keeps him away from me. I bet that wall is you.

It hurts even more knowing that he respects you so much. He believes in you coming back more than I do. It's hilarious but I can't laugh about that. It's also painful but I don't cry because of that anymore. When I cry it's mostly out of anger now.

When he takes the glasses of, my own heart betrays me. My mind says I still love you. That I should still love you. My heart calls for me to go to him. Even if he's ten years younger. Even if he already has girls depending on him.

_Even if he isn't you._

_He's not you._

_He's better than you._

He's someone that surpasses you in everything and yet is so much like you that… That I sometimes hate him as well. But that type of hatred is almost joyous for my heart. I welcome it and embrace it with a smile on my face. It's like a madness, because it's almost nice to suffer like that. Knowing it's him, that is the source of my pain. Him and not you. Because he can make me forgive him. With just one look, one smile, one word. Or just by his presence. Because he's here with me.

The truth is, I probably don't care anymore about your return. I'm just tired. Everyone was able to gain their happiness. Just not me. But what would be that 'happiness' of mine? Seeing you? As far as I know, you might have quite a happy life. Maybe you just have your own home, wife, children. Maybe you have found your happiness as well. It's juts me unable to move on. Maybe you know and just want me to forget about you. Maybe I'm just looking for one more reason to hate you by thinking up those lies.

It has been 5 years since I last saw you. I wouldn't be surprised if you would never show up again in front of me. Would I mind that? It could be a relief if you would tell me 'I'll never come back'. Maybe then the invisible wall that protects me will crash down. Maybe I would be finally free. Maybe he would come pass this shattered glass that surrounded me and make me feel loved. His presence would stop being a torture then.

I still cry. I feel such an unbearable pain, that it's ridiculous. The one I trust the most, the one I love the most and I know that loved me, only hurts me. Wasn't I the most important person in the world for you? What happened to that? I believed you, but maybe that was stupid of me; it would be better if you never said that you loved me. It would be so much easier then…

I want to be able to live without you. With a smile that won't feel fake. Without people worrying about me. I want to be able to dream again, instead of wanting to just escape. To run away. Away from home, from the people I know, from you, from him… No, rather to run away with him. Or else I would want to run away from life. And that still scares me, a little bit. The rest of my sanity doesn't allow me to think about it.

I can't help being attracted to him. I sometimes feel his eyes roaming my body and wonder how long he kept observing me like that. Because he gave me the same look when he was younger. It was my fault, for mistaking it as a look of adoration. There is nothing platonic in it. It's lust, it's attraction. And I only shiver under that gaze and bite my lips as he turns his head away. He has probably no idea how I feel. Or maybe he knows? He's a better detective than you.

Just tell me that this is the end. I'm afraid of saying it myself, but I swear I will. I can't take this any longer, so make up your mind quickly. Either you will return, or I will run away. It's not fair of you to keep me captive for so long. Every bird in a cage wants to escape eventually. And I don't have any other options. Either I will escape, or will have to die.

Maybe I saw to many dead people? I got to used to them. Maybe I was fascinated by death? To want it myself… I'm willing to take the risk and gamble. Even if it's life that I'm playing with, it doesn't matter. Life doesn't have much value for me. Because life in pain is something I despise and hate. I guess I lost my reason to live… No, I have to take that back. I still have him.

If I only knew how he would react. Yes, not you, but him. I'm only hesitating because of him. He's the one that kept me alive those past years. He is the one that I want to live for. But you have the key to my heart. You have to unlock it, so I can welcome him inside. Inside my life. To brighten it once again. So I could be sane and normal once again. So I could say goodbye to the hatred that now rules my life.

He sometimes has that pained and troubled look, when I tell him that I would give everything for him to be you. He feels the same pain I do. So why can't you make us happy? Why can't you, for once in your life, make it right? You run away from me, you didn't bother to come back, when you did it was only to disappear again and it's a pattern that was repeated so many times… Never saying anything. Even the confession I should treasure was something you didn't want to say, that I forced from you.

It was so full of anger. Like an accusation. 'Because I love I want you to stay out of this!'. Don't you think that it doesn't sound like a confession girls are dreaming off? But that was okay at that time. I took it gladly and responded. And regretted it later. Because you once again abandoned me, after saying that. After making me believe that everything will be alright. After having sex with me.

_I'm sorry, I can't say we were making love anymore._

_I want to make love to him._

_Then why can I not?_

Can I love two people? If yes, then great, I love both you and him. But I don't know which one of you I love more. I hate you for making me like this. And I hate him for not doing anything. Even if I understand his hesitation. Our age difference is nothing – he was always more mature than his age would make him. I don't care if the society and everyone that knows us think of us as siblings. We aren't.

He sometimes calls me only by my name. And I wonder if it's my imagination that I hear your voice then… Or does he has the same voice. It scares me to think about it. Is it a trick of my mind or heart? Do I love him for who he is or for whom he resembles? Which one is the 'truth' you always talk about, hm…?

I don't want to hurt him. I would love to do something to you. To hurt you. In physical way or mentally. If I used my skills I know I would see the results. It would be quicker and easier. If I had to torture your mind, it would take time and after I would calm down from my anger, I wouldn't want to hurt you any more. But right now, I think I understand the murderers a little bit.

Is a reason necessary to want to kill someone? I believe now, that there is a reason needed. Is there a reason to help someone needed? No. So just come and help me. Save me from this misery before I really turn into someone that will be a stranger for you. Someone that you won't love. Someone that you will despise. That's the last thing I would want… I want clarity. Want to know your feelings. Want to know what will really happen and what reason is that you're acting like that.

If it weren't for your voice and your manner of speaking, I would think that you're really dead. That's the only reason why I still pick up the phone. To see if you're still alive. To confirm it myself. But I'm not sure if I'm hoping that one day someone else calls me to inform me about your death, or do I want to hear that it's all over finally…

If you were to come back, what would I do with those feelings I have for him? I don't want to get rid of them. He's too precious for me. He's as important as you are. But… I get the feeling that he's even more important for me than you. And I'm selfish like that; I want both of you. Preferably both you as my lovers, as my partners. I'm twisted like that.

There are so many reasons why I hate you. And still I can't bring myself to say that I don't love you. Because I do. Because some part of me knows it's just a nightmare. A very long and painful one, but one day you will wake me up calling me an idiot… Yes, I am an idiot. For not giving up. For still living. For still loving you. For picking you over him.


End file.
